How to talk about your sabbatical to people who may not understand
“...if you don’t script your own way once and for all, your story will be written by someone else, and your actions will be guided by other people’s dreams of who you should be rather than by the bright jagged thing you really are.”
This past weekend I led my Illuminate Your Muse workshop. The intent of the time was to help participants reconnect to their intuition, reflect on their desires for a sabbatical and confront their fears in taking one. One of the core questions that emerged is, how do I talk about my career break to people who don’t agree or understand my choice?
There’s so much under the surface of this question. If you work in tech or corporate America and are talking about taking extended time away from work, especially if it’s something like a year off, it unveils the cultural norms that engulf us. When I first told some people about my career break, their response was “must be nice!” Some people said, “you’re so brave!” And other people asked, “what about a job?” and in response to traveling solo, “what if something bad happens to you?”
Confronting cultural norms about work
In the U.S., it’s deeply ingrained in us to center our lives around jobs. Much of our imagination of work is limited to working for an employer, and not just working for the employer, but filtering life decisions through that employer. Whether it’s where we live, when we rest, if we rest and how our schedules are structured. I’d even go as far to say that we worship work, we fear work like a terrifying god we must submit to. We neglect our bodies and our dreams for a paycheck every two weeks. We become dust under the grind of misaligned jobs that demand we expend ourselves wholly in service of an employer’s aim. We lose vision and forget our agency in crafting our lives that are so much more than just a job.
So when you say that you’re taking a year off from work, it elicits a variety of responses in people: jealousy, curiosity, resentment, bewilderment, fear, intrigue, inspiration. We have resigned ourselves to thinking that something like this is only for hyper wealthy people. Regular people just don’t get to do things like this. To be very clear, there is an immense amount of privilege in having financial or other resources, to take a year off from work. Access to those resources, however, is not the only factor that makes it possible. For some people, seeing someone they know actually taking extended time away from work challenges their assumptions about what’s possible. Here is someone they know who has made all the tiny decisions over years to make it possible to take a year away from a job. If someone in their vicinity has taken this step, then why can’t they? For some people that may spark their imaginations -- it did for me when I heard Roshida Dowe’s story (although to be fair, she’s not someone I knew from my personal life). For some people though, it may brew resentment because they’ll continue to choose the narrative that it can never ever, ever be possible for them, rather than getting curious about how they could make it happen, even if it takes more time and consideration on how to overcome barriers.
While access to financial resources is an essential factor, making a long sabbatical happen also involves making hard decisions, careful planning and doing the inner work to trust yourself as you push against cultural norms. My choice to take a year off meant that I made the hard choice to leave a part of the country that I loved in order to have a lower cost of living. It meant taking a risk in terms of employment to quit the job that I had with no guarantees of future employment in order to create space to ask myself big questions about life. I upturned my life to make my career break possible. It’s not lost on me that I had access to finances that many don’t, but it also took courage, patience and persistence to plan, save and grow to put those finances in service of my vision.
Tips for talking about your career break with people in your life.
All of the above reflections are to say that when it comes to talking to people in our lives about a career break, it can be one of the hardest parts of making it happen. It’s out of concern, but our loved ones voice their fears. How will you get a job after? If you’re traveling, and especially a woman traveling solo, what if something bad happens to you? It’s easy to become engulfed in these fears. It’s easy to let the fears of others draw us back from the big wide world, from this spark, this sense of imagination that is calling to us from within our souls. These conversations are also friction points where what we value may come into conflict with what the people close to us value. How do you respect those you love while also honoring your needs?
Ground into your intuition and values.
If you don’t already, start a practice of grounding into your intuition, your vision and your values. Journal consistently, create a vision board, practice mindfulness through breathing exercises, as you go through your day, notice what comes up within you. Reflect on what your values are by referencing lists such as this one from Brene Brown. Get clear on your why for your sabbatical. Do you need deep rest and recovery? Do you need to reconnect with fun and play? Do you need growth, challenge and exploration? Becoming rooted in your inner guidance will help you honor your perspective in potentially challenging conversations about your break.
Consider the timing of conversations.
Depending on the context and dynamics of the people with whom you want to have conversations, think about what timing makes sense. You may want to tell your parents or your work after you’ve crafted a clear plan, so you feel more grounded in your decision. If you have a partner though, you may need to discuss your thoughts with them sooner, so you can process and collaborate together.
Prepare what you want to say.
For hard conversations, I can get nervous and lose what I want to say in the moment. If you’re like me, consider drafting out what you want to say. Start with a free write where you let yourself say whatever you want to on the page. Notice what comes up for you, and revise your draft and talking points.
Lead with vulnerability.
This point may not be relevant in regards to a conversation with your employer, but for your personal relationships, lead with vulnerability in expressing the reason why you’re taking this break. By leading with vulnerability you’re expressing that you hope this person can be curious about you and what’s unfolding for you. It’s an emotional risk, but it’s an opportunity to deepen your connection by letting them into your thoughts.
Assume positive intent.
Assume that fears or concerns that arise are coming from a place of love. Again this is where the nature of your relationship comes into play. Obviously with a partner there’s more teamwork, planning and considerations of impact to talk through, but for parents, while you can hear their concerns and offer input and thoughts to address them, it’s important for you to hold that it’s ultimately your decision.
Making the choice to take an extended career break may mean that people don’t understand your decision, and that’s okay. Honoring your desire may unearth discomfort within yourself or your relationships. Trust that you have the courage, grace and capacity to move through the discomfort in order to make your vision a reality.